The Weight of Shame: On Mental Health and Guilt

 TRIGGER WARNING: discussion of mental health, hospitalization, suicidal ideation, and suicide

Greetings and salutations! I recently came back to college, which has been a bit of everything all at once: overwhelming, freeing, exciting. While I'd love to have a long chat about the struggles of college and how utterly strange it can be, that's not why I'm writing this post. I will give a fair warning that I didn't sleep well last night, so this post might be a bit all over the place, but c'est la vie.

I've been feeling a lot of shame recently, primarily for things I've done in the past that I consider embarrassing. For those of you who are unaware, I spent a week in the psychiatric unit of the hospital last February. Mental health has always been a big challenge in my life, but it wasn't really until that week that I realized how bad it's gotten. It's so easy to lie to ourselves and say that our struggle is not real, that it doesn't matter, but that's a whole other topic. Since I've returned to college for this semester, I keep waiting for someone who knew me during that time to say something, anything, about me being in the hospital. You see, when I was in the hospital, I was in a pretty bad manic episode, so I divulged too much information to a lot of the wrong people. I told plenty of folks things they didn't need to know. And yet, why should I be so ashamed of an experience I had?

Here's the thing: mental illness is shockingly common among young adults. According to the National Alliance on Mental Illness, 1 in 10 US young adults (described as aged 18-25) experienced a serious mental illness. I urge us to be critical of the word serious because it is something that can be difficult to define and is deeply personal, but this statistic only shows how common it is to feel the way I feel, to have experiences like I have. And yet...why does no one want to talk about it? Why are there crickets the second someone utters the words "mental illness?" Why are people forced to struggle in silence? According to the National Institute of Mental Health, less than half of people with mental illnesses receive treatment. 

The reason so many people suffer in silence is because we have been conditioned to believe mental illness is something to be ashamed of. And yet it is so utterly common. According to the National Alliance on Mental Illness, 1 in 5 U.S. adults experience mental illness each year. People are going to struggle with mental illness and we can't control that. What we can control is whether or not we talk about it and how we talk about it. 

So let's return to my shame. Over the past couple of weeks, I've been feeling embarrassment, guilt even, for innocuous things I did when I was manic. This is something I've struggled with for a long time and something I am actively trying to unlearn in therapy. I've been feeling so much shame, and yet when I sit back and ask myself why, I struggle to come up with an answer. Why do I feel ashamed for being open about my struggles, when talking about my struggles has the power to help someone else? Why do I feel ashamed for something other people don't even remember happening? Why do I feel ashamed for something that there's no shame in?

I'd like to close this off by recognizing that September is Suicide Prevention Month. While I can't speak to why people commit suicide, I will say that the stigma around mental illness can lead people to not feel comfortable talking about their struggles; bottling up your struggles is never healthy, and can take people to dark places. If any of you need someone to talk to, I'm always here, and professional help is available. In the United States, you can text HOME to 741741 and be connected with a crisis counselor. Here's a link to international suicide hotlines.

Hopefully, one day we can live in a world where we talk about mental health openly. Until then, stay safe and be kind.

Love,

Amelia

 

The Sick Kid: Reclaiming my Identity as someone with Cystic Fibrosis

 It's officially May, which means it's Cystic Fibrosis awareness month. For those of you who are unaware, Cystic Fibrosis is a chronic lung disease. The thing about CF that a lot of people don't know is that it kind of used to be a death sentence. I was diagnosed with CF when I was baby, so I unfortunately don't know what life is like without that diagnosis. 

Every May, Cystic Fibrosis awareness month comes around, and I feel like I'm not doing enough. And yet...isn't it enough to have to live every day with a life-threatening illness? Isn't it enough to carry around the fear of getting sick?

Here's the paradox about growing up with Cystic Fibrosis (or any chronic illness, really): you want people to acknowledge your suffering, and yet you don't want it to define you. It's the exact same way with mental illness, with so many of my intersecting identities. I have spent so much of my life not wanting to be "the sick kid," and yet as I grow older (CF is a progressive disease, meaning it worsens as time goes on), I realize that maybe it's time to reclaim the identity of being a sick kid. Because...isn't that what I am? Sick? Maybe not all the time, but... 

Cystic Fibrosis has had a large impact on my life. It's not the entirety of who I am, just like the rest of my identities aren't the entirety of who I am. It's not all of who I am, but it's a big part of who I am. For so long, CF has been like this ugly sweater I hide in my closest but bring out once a year. But I am done being ashamed of myself for having an illness I can't control.

 I realize as I'm writing this that I will probably make this post and then stop thinking about CF for a little while. I'm privileged enough as a CF'er that I don't need to think about CF all the time, and I recognize that. While it's something that is frequently on my mind, my health isn't a primary concern in my life. I'm grateful to be able to say that and am grateful for all the advancements in the medical field that have been made to make CF no longer a death sentence. 

I'd like to end this post on a positive note. Someone who changed my life forever in the CF community was Claire Wineland, a YouTuber who made videos about her experience with CF. While I didn't know her personally and didn't discover her until after her death, I was touched by her story because she managed to stay positive through it all and was able to have a huge impact on so many people. Unfortunately, Wineland died in 2018. So this May, I want to say: Thank you Claire. Your legacy lives on to this day. 

My First Year of College away from Home

 Hi y'all!

I know it's been a little while since I've updated, so I wanted to apologize for that. I'd say life has been crazy, but that's honestly not true. It's almost May, which means I'm getting to the end of my second semester at a new college.

Let me give some context. I started college in 2022 at a college in Massachussetts and left before the end of the first semester due to a mental health breakdown. I spent the rest of the year at home and took classes at a local college for the spring semester. This fall, I transfered to a new college. So, technically, this year was my first year of college away from home. I'm not going to lie: it was harder than I thought it would be. There were a lot of obstacles. As I get closer to the end of this semester, I've been hit with a sense of pride for myself for making it through.

Here's the truth: college is hard for anyone, but mental illness can make it harder. There were times when I considered dropping out. I didn't, obviously. College is hard, harder than I thought it would be. I'm trying to think of some profound wisdom to share here, but I don't think there is. I think sometimes it is enough to be proud of yourself for making it through something, especially when that something is difficult. 

College has been hard, but there has also been moments of beauty within it. I've made friends and have made connections. I've gotten to take really cool classes, like my fanfiction and adaptation class, where I got to read fanfiction for class. I've met really awesome professors. I've also had moments where I could barely get out of bed. I've debated dropping out multiple times. I've questioned where I was good enough to be here. I've had really good moments and really bad moments. Maybe that's life. Maybe life is an amalgamation of the good and bad.

I try to be positive most of the times, so I think what I want to leave you with here is that you can survive. Even when things are really difficult, you can survive. There were times during college when I wasn't sure if I would make it. Maybe that's dramatic, but I'm sure we've all been there. We've all had moments when we weren't sure if we could make it through something. At least I like to think so. But here's the thing: no matter how bad things get, there is always an end to it. This year has been...hard. There have been good moments, but it's been hard. College has been hard. But I survived. And so will you.

A Reflection on Easter

 I woke up this morning dreading the day. It's a holiday, so I should be excited, right? Except I'm not, and here's why: I've been struggling with my faith all my life, and with all that's going on in the world, it feels hard to celebrate a God that refuses to intervene in Palestine, in Ukraine, in the world. Why was I so angry? Why, on a day that was meant to celebrate the renewal of life, did I feel like death?

I think it's hard to see God in a world that is constantly at war. As we watch the atrocities occur in Palestine, in Ukraine, in Sudan, in Congo, it's easy to feel hopeless. But here's the thing: that is what the enemy wants. I'm not saying you have to believe in God; hell, I'm not even sure I always do. What I am saying is that it's important to have hope and faith in something (whether or not it's God is up to you). I also want to reiterate that while this post is particularly about the Christian faith, I think struggling with believing in God or Gods is a universal religious experience. 

Here's what I've realized: having faith isn't an easy thing. It's not easy to believe in something you can't see, especially when you become an adult. But here is my truth: I choose to have faith because without faith, I don't think I could survive. This is a cold, dark world. Without faith in something, we lose the will to live, to fight. I see so much negativity on the internet and reflected back in the world, so it is so important to me to have faith.

At the end of the day, I can't force you to believe in anything (and I'm not trying to). Desmond Tutu, a South African bishop, said, "Hope is being able to see that there is light despite all of the darkness." I believe hope and faith are intrinsically connected. Without one, you can't have the other. So this Easter, I won't just be stuffing my face with candy and enjoying the sight of bunnies. Instead, I'll be reflecting on what it means to have faith in a world where it is often so difficult to have faith.

An Update: You are Not Alone

It's crazy to think I started this blog 2 years ago. What's not hard to fathom is that I haven't updated it since then. This is going to be a long and emotional one, so bare with me.

In the summer of 2021, I experienced my first manic episode. That same summer, I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, and since then, I've learned a lot. When I was first diagnosed, I remember feeling that it was so important to tell my story, to show other people that they're not alone. To be honest, perhaps I romanticized my illness a bit initially. As time has gone on, I've become shameful about my diagnosis. I've taught myself not to let other people know about it.

During this time, I've so often questioned why I have to go through this. Why me? I'm still not sure I have an answer to that, but I think I have an inkling. I like to believe that most things happen for a reason, and this is one of those. I think I have to go through this so I can help other people going through similar things. I'm not saying I like having bipolar disorder. Hell, if I could choose to not have it, I'd do it in an instant. I'd give anything to live a "normal" life. With that being said, going through this has made me stronger, and telling my story can help others. So here I am.

This February, I was hospitalized for mental health issues. I don't wanna get too into it, but it wasn't easy. I don't think living with a mental illness will ever be easy. But here's the thing I've learned over these past few years: there is hope. Granted, there is so much ugliness in the world, but there is also so much good. There have been so many people who have shown me kindness over the past few years, who've supported me. 

Here's another thing I've learned: telling your story is so important. I love the movie "The Little Mermaid" (both the 1989 and 2023 versions), and one message from that film is the power of one's voice. Your voice is so powerful. Obviously, if you don't want to tell your story, that's okay. But if you do want to tell it, this is me telling you you should. Your words have power. Your words can change someone's lives.

I want to end this by talking about one of my favorite television shows, "Skam." Skam is a Norwegian teen drama that follows a new character each season. Season 3 follows Isak, a teenager struggling with his sexuality, as he falls in love with Even, who (SPOILER) has bipolar disorder. Even's story is one that has stayed with me for so long. One of my favorite scenes is when Isak tells Even "Du er ikke alene" (You are not alone). So that's how I want to end this post. You are not alone.

Love,

Amelia

"Stranger Things" Season 4 Vol. 2 and how it Failed the Fans

 The following review will contain spoilers for "Stranger Things" Vol. 2. If you haven't seen it yet and would like to avoid spoilers, please click away.

(Photo Courtesy of Netflix)

    I was really looking forward to "Stranger Things" Vol. 2. Summer is the most difficult time for me mentally, and I really needed something to comfort me during these times. Instead, what I got was a numb feeling, hours of crying and venting on the internet. It's not just that "Stranger Things" Vol. 2 was sad, it was terrible. The characters felt off, the deaths were clearly just there for shock value, the writing was horrible, and as one of my friends said, it just felt like another show entirely. I loved Season 4 Volume 1, so I'm really disappointed in this season.

    First, I want to address something that keeps me rageful. Let's talk about the politics of "Stranger Things." Before you tell me it's a show about monsters and mythical creatures, let me say something. We are living in a world where art is inherently political. Representation has become increasingly politicized unfortunately and even so much as two women kissing on screen will cause an outrage (for example, the outrage over "Lightyear"). Although as a white Christian I cannot address all aspects of the representation, I will talk about what I can. I do think it is important to inform all of you that the scenes with Hopper in season 4 were filmed in a Lithuanian prison in which Jewish people were murdered during World War II. A petition has been created to hold Stranger Things accountable for this atrocity and I strongly recommend you read and sign it. 

    Although I am not Black and cannot directly address this, many Black fans were outraged at the complete racism this season. Lucas, the only Black main character, had a plot revolving entirely around his white girlfriend, who also died. Him and his sister, Erica, are both violently assaulted by white characters. Erica is 11 years old. To many fans, this was strange. Especially considering the blatant racism shown to Lucas in seasons 2 & 3 with the character of Billy Hargrove, who even tells Max that "There are certain people in this world you stay away from," and Lucas is "one of them." (Note: this can be found in season 2 episode 4 at about the 33 minute mark). In an interview with Vulture, Ross Duffer stated, "[Billy] is racist, I think." Yes, "Stranger Things" takes place in the 80s, but it's a piece of fiction. Why put one of the only Black characters through such deep-seated trauma?

    Despite my ability to discuss the politics of "Stranger Things" all day, I think those are the biggest two aspects to address. Okay, you've been waiting for it. Let's talk about the deaths, specifically the death of the beloved character Eddie Munson. I'm going to be honest, I was disappointed with the deaths. Not only was I heartbroken to lose a character like Eddie, but many of the other deaths felt anticlimactic. We were promised 5 deaths of major characters. Is Jason really a major character? Also, what is with "Stranger Things" and killing off fan favorites? Eddie was beloved by so many. I get that he's just a fictional character, but many people, including myself, saw ourselves in Eddie. He's the "freak," the one who never quite fits in anywhere, and yet he created a safe space for a group of people where they could just play D&D and be nerds. I never really hurt this much before over one of the deaths from "Stranger Things" until Eddie and Max. Max. Poor Max. Although in the end I believe she'll live, she deserved so much better. After all the trauma she went through, why kill her off? It's such an unsatisfying conclusion to her ending and a trope that has become far too common in popular media.

(Photo Courtesy of Netflix)

      Another thing that felt off this season was the dialogue. That whole scene where Will talked to Mike and said "you're the heart" was genuinely so cringey it hurts to watch. As noted by some fans, volume 2 is the one "season" the Duffer Brothers wrote alone, and you can tell. Some of the monologues were good, such as Will's monologue to Mike about his feelings for him (although he's talking about Eleven's feelings for Mike, it's clearly him talking about his own feelings), but the majority just felt off. Some of the things these characters say are things no one would ever say in real life. I absolutely hated Mike's monologue to Eleven and I thought Finn Wolfhard's acting was off.

      The character of Mike also felt incredibly out of character this season. Mike is a character who once was willing to jump off a cliff for his best friends with no hesitation. Yet since season 3 he's become deeply unlikeable. The way he neglects all of his friendships for El is simply not healthy. It almost feels like his character is regressing instead of progressing. Also, the fact that he didn't even notice Will was crying was ridiculous. Are you really that insensitive that your supposed best friend is going to cry (loudly enough that Jonathan noticed) right next to you and you're thinking about your girlfriend? Frankly, this might be unpopular, but I don't want Will and Mike to get together like many fans do. I'd much rather see Will get a boyfriend who will treat him the way he deserves to be treated.

    One highlight of the season despite all the negatives was the acting. Actors like Sadie Sink (Max Mayfield), Gaten Matarrazo (Dustin Sinclair), Caleb McLaughlin (Lucas Sinclair), and Millie Bobby Brown (Eleven Hopper) really shown through this season. The fact that they're child actors only makes their phenomenal acting even more impressive. One of the most painful scenes to watch was Max dying in Lucas's arms while she delivers a monologue about how she doesn't want to die yet. Sadie Sink delivered these lines so beautifully and I truly hope she is nominated for an Emmy. Considering the fact that she is only 20 years old, she should truly be commended for her tremendous performance. Caleb McLaughlin also depicted the pain of losing a loved one so beautifully. Another actor who should be lauded for his acting this season is Gaten Matarrazo, who as I said earlier, plays Dustin Sinclair. The scene where Dustin watches Eddie, his mentor and friend, die, is utterly depressing. Matarrazo handled this with grace and did an amazing job depicting grief.

(Photo Courtesy of Teen Vogue)

    At the end of the day, I wasn't happy with "Stranger Things" season 4 volume 2. With that being said, I will definitely be tuned in for season 5. That cliffhanger ending was amazing and I can't wait to see what happens next. I just hope that the Duffer Brothers are not the only ones writing season 5, because as we saw in this season, they are not what makes the show so enjoyable.

introducing myself

     Hi, I'm Ames! I'm a huge pop culture enthusiast and I find a lot of joy in things such as Star Wars, Jurassic Park, Stranger Things, and so much more. I am currently really obsessed with a variety of things including the 80s and sitcoms (I'm still bitter about that ending of How I Met Your Mother). My pronouns are they/she, I'm 18 years old and I'm bisexual. I'm also autistic so human rights are something I'm very passionate about and many of these articles will be about politics. Currently, I am planning on publishing a review of the Bridgerton Experience in DC on June 29th, a review of Jurassic World Dominion, and a review of Stranger Things 4 vol.2. I hope you will enjoy my articles and remember to be kind always!

Remember that all opinions posted on this website are my own and may not agree with your personal opinions. I wish you all nothing but happiness and I truly hope you enjoy my articles. If you don't, constructive criticism is always welcome.